Summer has finally arrived, as evidenced by the holiday weekend heat and one other little factor: The men on the street have their shirts off. Oh yes. Take a spin through town and you'll be surrounded by them: Man nipples. Staring you in the face. Whoa, wait. Did I just say nipples in the newspaper? Yes, I think I did, and I believe it's OK, because apparently, man nipples are as acceptable on the streets as is donning pajama pants at Wal-Mart.
On second thought, out of respect for our readers, although they are what I'll be focusing on, I won't use the word "nipples" anymore in this column. In fact, I'll replace it with the word "noodles" to cushion the blow of such vulgar jargon.
So, back to guys with no shirts. Am I complaining? For the most part, no, not at all.
I like to look at guys. I like broad shoulders and nice man-arms; I don't mind if they aren't Shamokin Adonises, either, because, as I've said before, I find a beer gut on man endearing. I'd rather a man have a good personality and a good head - with good teeth in it - and a nice face on the front over a gym rat with a rock-hard body any day. So, guys with their shirts off - not a negative thing. Don't get me wrong, once in a while, there is an utterly terrifying rendition of "guy with his shirt off" that makes me pray for momentary blindness, but for the most part, it's fine.
Am I salivating over the ones I find attractive? I wouldn't go as far to say I'm literally drooling, but my eyes have been grateful and I've done some double-takes; you can't blame a girl for looking, right? It's fine. I almost applaud it, but, for the most part, I'm pretty unfazed by it.
And do you know why I'm unfazed?
Because guys have their shirts off all the time, we see their noodles all the time: At the playground for some "shirts" versus "skins" basketball, at the beach, at the pool, running public streets for exercise, working on rooftops and wherever else they please as long as there isn't a "No shirt, no shoes, no business" policy.
As much as I don't mind it, and I'm not wanting to walk around town with my shirt off, I still don't get why it is OK for a guy, but not a girl to expose their noodles. And before you douse me with holy water, I should be clear that I'm not trying to reverse the rule. I'm all for decency - I think the rules of exposure should stay the way they are - I would just like to know why things are the way they are.
Because, really, doesn't it all come down to the noodles?
Pennsylvania law says that a person commits the crime of public indecency when he exposes his "stuff" (no need to say it) in any public place or in any place where others are present and the exposure of the person's "stuff" would likely offend, affront or cause alarm. Pennsylvania recognizes the exposure of "stuff" to be the "you know," the "you know" and the "you know." In addition, the noodle area of a woman's breasts also constitutes indecent exposure. One exception to the law: Men are exempted from violation of decency laws when the noodles and chest are bared in public places such as swimming pools, beaches and so on.
What is the big deal with women's noodles in contrast to men's noodles? We all have them. It all starts in the womb. They are leftovers from early fetal development. We were once just fetuses with undetermined genders until hormones told us whether we were going to be a girl or a boy. Noodles are a leftover from that time because we initially develop as females.
Still, they are barely different. Women have more going on there, you say? Really? The majority of the time, yes, but have you ever seen a set of "moobs," or man boobs, on a guy? They are occasionally indecent and bra-worthy. And again, I get that, aside from clothing-optional beaches, it is the rule and I'm not saying that rule should be overturned - believe me, with some of the sights you see in this town, the last thing I would want to encourage is more exposure - I just don't get where all this came from.
And it must be the noodles' fault. The noodles are surely the guilty party.
No one seems to care when a girl wears a bikini that could double as a kite for a tiny little doll house, but, she goes into the ocean, and one of her noodles slips out and the universe doesn't even know what to do with itself. A celebrity slips a noodle and it's literally all over the news. It's a headline. Khloe Kardashian was recently on one of the morning shows wearing a sheer blouse unknowingly showing noodle and it was literally the top news on every pop culture/humor site I visit. Where were my stories about cats watching Iron Maiden videos or kangaroos wearing pajamas? Nowhere. There was no room because of one stupid noodle.
Why do we care so much about them? My big deal is that people make them a big deal, and all I'd like to know is what is the big deal? Where did all of this come from? Why does that small area of skin matter so much, and why does it only matter on a girl? If you got a big lump on your forehead from a nasty fall and you drew a noodle on it, would that be obscene? If you stuck a noodle on your kneecap, would you be destined for a lifetime of pants? Because this column has a bunch of noodles mentioned and I'm a girl, does that make this obscene? Will this even go to print?
I'm dumbfounded.
I think it should be added to the "Wonders of the World" list. It should be number eight: The great noodle controversy.
So guys, my advice to you is this: Take advantage of the fact that you are free to show your noodles to the world. Toss your shirts all summer long and let your noodles sway in the wind and soak up the warm sun - if for no other reason, just because you can.
(Wasakoski, a News-Item editor, is a graduate of Von Lee School of Aesthetics and is certified as a professional makeup artist.)